MUMMY TO THE MAX

Do not feel sorry for me.

Who really got the raw end of the deal here?

I lost him. A lying, using, manipulative, abusive human.

and... 
He lost me.

From a young age some little girls dream of that fairy tale that so many films portray. They want that happy ending that they see in Disney films and want to be swept off their feet. They dream of a beautiful home, a wedding filled with amazing memories, a good job with a decent salary and a happy family. 

From a young age that is all I wanted. I grew up in a beautiful family home filled with happiness, memories and a family who stuck together. My whole life changed when I was 19. At the age of 18 I met Maxwell's father. After a whirlwind start to our relationship, I found out that I was pregnant with our son. I knew as soon as I found out that I was pregnant that there was no way I could not keep this tiny human who was growing inside me and a day before my 20th Birthday, I gave birth to our beautiful son. 

For the first year of Maxwell's life, everything was pretty rosy. Mine and Maxwell's dads relationship was fiery at times however it was also loving. Often our arguments would be swept under the carpet and everything would be fine. After a while though, the arguments started to eat away at our relationship and the relationship soon turned into something which I did not want it to be.

Every day I longed for the relationship to change. I longed for things to get better but I knew deep down without the other person wanting to change, the relationship could not change. I offered to go to counselling. I offered for us to live separate lives for a while. I offered more than I wanted to give but I was happy to do it to keep my family together. There were points where Maxwell and I were cheated on. There were points where we were picked up and left where things got too "hard" yet I allowed these things to happen and I allowed things to return to "normal" when Maxwell's father clicked his fingers.

You see... I feel like we live in a generation where there are so many young parents that have split and there are so many solo parents navigating their way through life. I didn't want to be another young women thrown on the scrap heap with the phrase next to their name of "kids having kids". I wanted to be different. I wanted to be that person who rode the storm when it came to their relationship problems but worked through them and got their happy ever after. 

I think there is only so much wanting and praying that can happen in a relationship. After a while, our relationship soon turned into something which I never imagined I would have to live my daily life as. It turned into a relationship where I felt trapped, controlled and abused. I was controlled financially, I was made to feel like I was worthless, I was made to feel like a ugly, horrible human being. I felt I had no support in my life, I had no confidence and I felt I had little happiness yet the person who was ruining my life had all the support I could possibly give them. There was not a thing I would not have done for them.

There were days where I did not want to get up. There were days I felt I could not face the world. There were days where I felt like leaving everything behind but no matter how hard things got, I always knew there was a little boy who relied on me and he was my main focus and to this day, he still is.

In 2017 after 6 years of my relationship with Maxwell's dad, I decided enough was enough and I needed to do things for me. I was at an all time low and I needed to escape from being just "Maxwell's mum". I knew I had a brain and I wanted my brain to be put to good use. A full time stay at home role was not the path I wanted to carry on taking. I completed my Digital Mums course. I lost weight. I learnt to drive. I did all 3 things for me to better my life and to make me feel not so worthless. At no opportunity did my son's Father ever say well done to me. At no point did he ever try and support me. At no point did he ever support me with any help with childcare. At this point I knew enough was enough.

Christmas 2017 was the final time I got to see my son's fathers true colours in the relationship I was stuck in. It is a day I will never forget nor forgive. It was the day where the green light went off in me and I was done fighting for our relationship. Christmas 2017 was ruined by a drunk, abusive controlling person. I don't know who that person was any more and it wasn't a person who I could see my future with. That day I realised that the person I once loved no longer loved me. He had no respect for me and if he was capable of the actions he showed that day, what was he capable of next?

After that day everything was lost and there was little going back. There was no more fighting, there was no more talking, I was drained. I had no more fight left in me to try any more and I found that the person who was meant to care the most actually cared about his family unit the least. Eventually a argument about what I was cooking for dinner tore our relationship apart and Maxwell's Dad upped and left our family home without any explanation to me or his son. In my heart of hearts I did not need an explanation. The love had gone and there was nothing left to fight for.

The first couple of weeks on my own were the hardest. I did not know how I was going to manage on my own but looking back, I had been doing it on my own for 7 and a half years. The only help I had in that time from Maxwell's father was financially.  

My future looked so bleak. It looked pointless. It looked like there was no happiness to be found..

Little did I know what was round the corner for me.